Special Olympics: Athlete Riley Blatz

Special Olympics: Athlete Riley Blatz

Riley is an awesome young man who I have had the pleasure of working with for 3 incredible years.  Now he is off to pursue his dream of competing at Nationals in New Jersey this summer!  Rock on Riley!

Awareness Visuals

These posters were designed and developed by yours truly, Mr. Mike Sexton, and a few incredibly talented students.  They are currently being displayed within the halls of RRHS alongside some enlightening information on Autism Spectrum Disorders.  Rock On Dragons! 

Catching Up With...Kim!

Kim is a former student of mine who graduated last year.  She has contributed to the blog in the past via her Senior Spotlight post, video interviews with yours truly, and various blurbs embedded in my posts.   I caught up with Kim to see how life has been after high school. 

Ms. D:  What do you miss most about high school? 

Kim: Well....being with my friends and teachers.  I miss hanging out with my friends and chatting with them.  My teachers made me feel special. 

Ms. D: What are you doing now that you have graduated? 

Kim: Taking care of my nephew Brian. He is 3 months old.  He was born 3 months premature and has many medical problems.  His lungs didn’t develop, he has a cyst in his brain, and has very bad acid reflux.  Brian is a strong baby.  I’ll do anything to be with him.   It’s a responsibility, but it’s fun.  At first it was hard being an aunt, but now it’s really easy. 

Ms. D: Do you have a job? Go to college? 

Kim: I do not have a job but yet but someday I want to be a sports manager.   I would really like to study sports management and hope to go to the University of Texas. 

Ms. D: What has been the hardest part about having Autism and being "in the real world" (out of high school)? 

Kim: Getting into college.  The hardest part so far has been taking the required assessments. 

Ms. D: What advice would you give to a senior with Autism on what to expect after graduation? 

Kim: Be sure to have your career and college plans set up.   Decide now what is important in your life, even if it will change later.  

  

Ms. D: What hobbies or things do you do for fun now that you are out of high school? 

Kim: going for walks, play video games, and play sports.  I really like to play soccer and pool. 

Ms. D: You ask me one! 

Kim : When can we start the get together for summer?

Ms. D: VERY SOON I HOPE!!!

A Letter to My 16 Year Old Self

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Please don’t change.   I know you probably wanted to hear something much more practical, as I am sure you are struggling with figuring out who you are.   While it may not seem like it at this stage in your life, that struggle is going to make you great.   Without the challenges you are facing now, you would grow up to be “normal”.  I know that “normal” is what you believe you want.   But listen…“normal” is just a setting on the washing machine.  “Normal” is boring and monotonous.  Everyone has the potential to be that.   You are not just anyone.  You are YOU.  Right now you have no notion of just how powerful that is.   I suppose if I were to prescribe you some sort of action I would advise you to stop trying to fit in so much.   Quit “over-trying.”  Stop being afraid to stand out.  Just be who you are.   Find confidence in that.  Take comfort in knowing that you will be more than okay, you will be INCREDIBLE.  And while you feel alone right now, there are many more like you in your future endeavors.   Many more that will need your help someday.   And these awful experiences you find yourself in these days as a teenager will allow you share what you have learned with those in our future.    I could reveal many secrets regarding what life in the future, but that would spoil the many great and wonderful surprises that life has in store for you. Just be who you AUT to be. 

Love,

Your Future Self 

100 Words or Less: What Happiness is to Me

Rocking rhythmically while suspended in a hammock.  Summer break.  Family.   New socks. Stars against an indigo sky.  Puppy snuggles.  Hugs.  Baseball. Memories of grandparents.  Swimming. Kindness.  Helping others.   Familiarity.  Taking off my AFOs at the end of the day.  The beach. Being understood.  Swimming. Rainbows.  Netflix marathons.  Lazy days with friends.  Giggling.    Knowing all the words to a song.   Patterns. Freshly cut grass.  The cadence of rain on the roof.  A condiment free bacon cheeseburger.  Flapping.  Little arms wrapped around my neck. Not having to do the dishes.  Queso.  Organization.  Fishing.  Friends. 

Meaningful Friendships Part 3: Autistic Struggles with MEANINGFUL Friendships

The Struggles with Autism in Forging Meaningful Friendships

Having Autism poses many barriers to developing and cultivating genuine, meaningful friendships.   Most of the barriers discussed here are not as significant once a friendship has been firmly established.  However, they can potentially prohibit the beginning stages of friendship from developing and can cause relationships to end well before they have had the opportunity to take root.  

First Encounters

While the potential to forge new friendships lies within every interaction we have with others, the person with Autism often is limited in the number of opportunities they have to meet new people.  There are many reasons for this, but to begin with, a person with Autism might struggle with how to become involved with others in the first place.  How to how to join a club, join in a game being played, or join in on a conversation may elude someone with ASD.   If one is limited in the number of encounters they have, the odds of finding a friend with whom one is compatible with is drastically reduced. 

Fear of meeting new people can also keep the person with Autism from having the opportunity to develop deeper friendships.   For many of us, previously failed attempts at making friends haunt us.  We avoid putting ourselves in situations that bring painful memories to the surface; therefore we also miss out on the sweet rewards such situations can produce. 

A communication barrier to forming these relationships is the difficulty with making small talk.   Most Neurotypical people are able to engage in these chit-chat conversations effortlessly, which could potentially lead to further interactions based on newly discovered common ground.  However, many in the Autistic community cannot seem to grasp the concept of small talk and struggle to engage in it. 

Another obstacle is the inability to choose appropriate topics for conversation.  A person with Autism might make comments that are inappropriate or irrelevant to a given situation.   Often times this can lead the potential friend to view their Autistic counterpart as odd or weird and deter them from making any further attempts to get to know them. 

Not being able to read body language or facial expressions can also be a hindrance when it comes to forging new friendships.   Body language tells us a lot about a person.  Making eye contact can assure a person that one is interested in what they have to say.  Standing upright with arms relaxed is a sign that one is paying attention, while crossing ones arms makes a person appear unapproachable and standoffish.   Being able to understand that a person who is tapping their foot and looking at their watch is becoming impatient is an important skill to have.   Understanding an appropriate distance to stand from another person is a concept that Autistics struggle with often.   If I stand too far away, it appears as though I am not interested in what you have to say or that I am offended by you in some way.  And if I stand too close, I appear intrusive and off-putting.  For many with Autism, reading body language is a FOREIGN language, and these signs are misinterpreted or missed all together. 

 Take for example two people in an office building as they approach an elevator.   As they wait, the Neurotypical person asks the Autistic person where they got their shirt.    The Autistic person responds by saying it was a gift from his grandmother.   Instead of making a statement that returns the conversational ball back to the court of the Neurotypical person, the Autistic person continues with a story about his grandmother and how she isn’t doing very well, and maybe even goes into some unsavory details about the condition of her health and her recent medical procedures.  The Autistic person carries on, unaware his conversational partner lost interest about six floors back, and the Neurotypical coworker presses the button of the closest approaching floor so he can take the stairs the next seven flights just to avoid hearing any more about it, ending what was once an opportunity for two people to potentially engage in conversation about their shared taste in clothing. 

There were several Autistic “faux pas” in this example.  The inability to engage in small talk led to the person with Autism dominating the conversation.   Another was his inability to recognize when his conversation partner was no longer interested in the topic.  And finally, the topic of his grandmother’s medical condition was not appropriate for the given situation.  

           

Further Impressions

If we survive the first encounters and a person decides they want to get to know us better, there are additional challenges that both parties must endure.  

Those of us on the Spectrum can be rigid in our thinking.    Because of this, we might appear to be close-minded, judgmental, or even “know-it-alls.”   We might not seem very forgiving of others’ mistakes when we feel as though we are right.   Our limited interests might prevent us from being flexible in participating in activities our potential friends might enjoy.    This lack of flexibility can be detrimental in a relationship, causing a person to bail out before the friendship boat sinks.   

Our unusual and stereotypical behaviors can be bothersome and embarrassing for those around us.  People might view our behaviors as immature and childish and can be considered to be off-putting to potential pals.    When we are at the movies and our excitement cannot be contained, flapping and squealing can draw unwanted attention.   Echoing sing-song voices in the mall while shopping for shoes can really put a damper on things.  This might cause others to think twice about hanging out with the “weird kid” and the relationship might be over before it even really got started. 

And then there is what I like to call the “overs”; over-trying, over-thinking, and over-sharing are all possible turn-offs to could-be friends.    The more we over-try to fit in by changing the things we like or the way we dress, the more isolated we will become.   By trying to be someone we are not, we put ourselves out there and draw more negative attention to ourselves.   By over-thinking things, we often hurt our own feelings.  We think too much about what others think of us; why hasn’t my friend texted me back?  Do they not like me anymore?  I must have done something to upset them.  This in turn can bring about more over-trying.   And we over-think through situations that haven’t even taken place.   The more ways the actual situation doesn’t match up with what we have concocted in our heads, the more disastrous the outcome is.   When we are in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, we often over-share information about ourselves.  I might ask the potential friend to over-share as well by asking questions that are too personal or intimate for our level of relationship.   This can be overwhelming to others, causing them to head for the hills before our friendship even had a chance. 

 The Social Wrecking Ball 

As with any relationship, if we survive the beginning stages and establish that significant, substantial, meaningful friendship, there are still potential pitfalls that can be detrimental to the life of the relationship. 

 One of the struggles I have found within my own relationships is that my friends sometimes forget I have Autism.   That’s not always a bad thing; I of course do not want to be known solely for my Autism.  The point in which this becomes negative is situational.    It is particularly relevant when a I have committed a social blunder that is Autism-related and my Neurotypical counterpart fails to attribute it to my having Autism.    If I say something inappropriate and my friend is offended, it could potentially be the demise of our relationships.   However, if the friend is true enough and recognizes that my mistake was a result of my Autistic characteristics, he or she will kindly explain to me why his or her feelings were hurt by my words or actions, and we will both learn from the experience.   These are the friendships that will stand the test of time. 

Another potential wrecking ball is our perceived lack of empathy.   Empathy is the ability to share experiences and feelings with another person.  Because Autistics have difficulty imagining things or putting themselves in other people’s shoes, empathy is a tough concept.    However, we do FEEL for our friends when they are struggling.   The real problem is the EXPRESSION of our empathy.   I do not struggle with feeling.  In fact, I feel TOO much.   It is challenging, however, for me to articulate to you what I am feeling.   Identifying my emotions and showing you how I feel as you struggle is hard for me.   Many times I want to be there for my friends but find myself withdrawing instead, afraid that what I am feeling is out of place or unusual.    Instead of sharing, many of us on the Spectrum hide our feelings.   Friends who are going through tough times might perceive this as our being hard, uncaring, or indifferent to their situation.  Support is the cornerstone of any relationship, so this could potentially cause a friendship to crumble. 

Making it Successful 

So what then can we do to ensure that our meaningful friendships thrive? 

 We must first eliminate any preconceived notions in regards to friendships.   As I was growing up, I had pictures in my head of what friendships were.   As I look back, I realize how unrealistic these imagined scenarios were.    My many failed attempts to force a square peg into a round hole finally taught me that it is better to find a square hole in which I would comfortably fit (rather than forcing myself to be something I wasn’t: a round peg).  In order to forge sincere relationships with others, we can have no preconceived perceptions of what it will look like and start with a clean slate. 

It is also imperative that we be forward and put ourselves out there.   If we avoid opportunities to meet new people, we are also potentially missing out on meaningful friendships.   Despite our anxieties regarding social situations and meeting new people, participating in these situations can be very rewarding.  In addition, having a friend who can support you in these endeavors can be very beneficial.  Remember, we are not limited to having one meaningful friendship, and there is nothing wrong with established friends helping you forge new relationships.    

We must be flexible with others, unselfishly giving more than we take from each relationship.  Often you will find that it is even more rewarding to give than it is to receive.  Going out of your way to make a friends day can be rewarding for both you and your bud.   And we have to remember that relationships are not always 50-50.   Sometimes you must give more, and sometimes you will find that you will need more from your friend.   We must invest considerable time and energy into the relationship.   At times, it may seem as though we have to do this with more effort than our Neurotypical counterparts.   While this might not seem fair, the rewards far outweigh the expenses. 

One bonus piece of advice:  you are not always right, even when you are.  Nobody likes a know-it-all.  Keeping an open mind and possessing a willingness to learn from others is an important component of a healthy relationship. 

Meaningful relationships are not very scientific.  They are abstract and blurry, and there is no mathematical formula to apply.   While we struggle in many areas, those of us on the Spectrum tend to be loyal and trustworthy friends.   We will often go to great lengths to make sure we meet the needs of those we care about.    We are reliable and honest.  Before all else, we must be ourselves and stay true to our unique and individual character.   With time and patience, we will find peg that fits us. 

Meaningful Friendships Part 2: Why We Need MEANINGFUL Friendships

Meaningful friendships serve many purposes.  As humans, we are intended to live in relationship with one another.   Friends encourage us to be our best, help us to understand ourselves, share with us in the ups and downs of life, and help us access the world in new and unique ways. 

Friends are a reflection of who we are now and who we long to become.    They help us to find meaning and direction in our lives.  We aspire to be like them and therefore we are constantly seeking ways to improve upon ourselves.   Our relationships with others are catalysts that set in motion forces to inspire us to better ourselves. Genuine friends encourage us to be the best version of ourselves. 

Authentic friendships offer opportunities to share experiences with others, both good and bad.    When two people share an experience, they are able to relate to one another on a variety levels.   As friends engage in experiences together, they grow closer to one another.   This is especially true when the trials are meaningful and intense, such as the joy of having children or the sadness of losing a loved one.  

Friends provide us with support throughout the hard times in our lives.  When we experience the inevitable tough trials and tribulations of life, such as the loss of a job or a problem with our health, our friends comfort us.  They can be there to simply listen as we express our despair, hug and to hold us as we break down, and build us back up by inspiring us and strengthening our desires to move forward.     

Friends resound in our joys and triumphs.  When we get accepted to college, earn a promotion at work, or meet the love our lives, friends are there to lift us up and celebrate us.   They motivate and encourage us to succeed in our endeavors and to strive for new and loftier goals. 

Friends of those of us with Autism Spectrum Disorders often serve as advocates for our needs.  They are crucial bridges that connect our Autistic world with that of the Neurotypical.  They empower us to undertake new endeavors and create ways for us to enjoy them together.  Genuine friends are undeterred by our weirdness and oddities and provide us with invaluable feedback regarding our social performances.   They praise us for the areas in which we are doing well and enlighten us as to which domains we need to persist in developing.   Our friends allow us to reveal our true character while shaping us into better people. 

It is through our friends that we learn to proclaim the successes of others, revel in others’ joy, and even share the burdens others carry.   Meaningful friendships provide us with positive influences, self-confidence, a sense of being needed, valued, and worthy, and a means of human connection.   Without meaningful relationships our lives would be monotonous, lonely, and barren.   I am eternally grateful for the many meaningful friendships I have had in my life, both past, present, and future.   

Meaningful Friendships Part 1: What is a MEANINGFUL friendship?

This is the first entry in a short series on Autism and Friendship.  I realize I have discussed the subject of friendship in a previous post, but at the risk of sounding redundant, I feel that the issue is critical enough to elaborate upon.   There are many fallacies regarding folks on the Spectrum and their absence of desire to have significant and meaningful relationships.  While this is accurate for some people with ASD, it is also just as accurate for the Neurotypical.   For most people, close relationships with others are strongly desired and essential for fulfillment. 

What do I mean by MEANINGFUL friendships? 

When parents of an Autistic child ask their kiddo about their friends at school, the child might respond with "I have a lot of friends at school. There are 30 kids in my class. That means I have at least 30 friends."  While it is fine to refer to classmates, acquaintances, and work partners as friends, true friendship exceeds sitting next to someone on the school bus or telling someone good morning as you pass by one another on your way to obtain your morning pick-me-up in the break room.   

Friends share a mutual interest and concern for one another.   Both individuals in the relationship genuinely care about one another’s needs and well being.  

The level of intimacy and affection in meaningful friendships involves the sharing of private and personal information a person wouldn't generally indulge with a neighbor or classmate.  For example, sharing your personal goal to start a family or articulating your immense, life-long fears are not affairs you would discuss with someone you just met at the bus stop.   However, these are things that you could confidently discuss with an authentic friend.   

Two people must have at least some common ground when it comes to the core principles they value and believe.   For example, regarding honesty, both parties should presumably have the same ideologies.  If telling the truth matters to one friend but not the other, there will most likely be a breach in their trust of one another eventually.   But if the two both agree that honesty is the best policy and they share things in truth with each other, their relationship has been established upon shared values. 

What are MEANINGFUL relationships NOT?

Equitably admissible to the consideration of what constitutes meaningful relationships is the discussion of what they are NOT.  

First of all, meaningful friendships are NOT commodities that can be bought or sold.  Your friendship should never be for sale.   You should never have to buy things, alter your core character, or otherwise make sacrifices in your values or beliefs in order to “purchase” a relationship.   It is true that friendships do require quite a bit of give and take.  At some point in your friendship with another person you might have to give more than you take, and vice versa; relationships aren’t always 50-50.   Nonetheless, you should never feel as though the only reason a relationship is held together is solely due to your making sacrifices in which the other person doesn’t share a mutual appreciation for. 

Friendships are not a chore or obligation.  It is true they do require effort from both parties, but you should never feel obligated to spend time with someone or do things for them in order for your friendship to prevail.  True friendship develops naturally and over time.   If you are forcing a relationship by making changes to your personality or character, the friendship will not stand.    There should be mutual attempts from both parties to spend time with one another, make each other happy, and to support one another in their endeavors, but this should never be at the expense of one’s values or beliefs. 

The Big Picture

            Most of us desire to have true and meaningful friendships in our lives.   These relationships are deeper than those we simply sit next to in school or work alongside with at a job.   Meaningful friends are those with whom we share a mutual and genuine concern for, have common core values and beliefs with, and can trust on an intimate level.    We rely on them to satisfy our human need for connection with one another.   These are the relationships that outright capture our hearts. 

I Am Autism

I am Autism.

I am the gatekeeper of your communications.

I am a run-on sentence with no end, stumbling aimlessly along the pages of a conversation as you trip.

I am the anchor that drowns you in a deep sea of words, as you violently struggle to retrieve them.

I am the villain at the epicenter of your understanding; only allowing you to perceive what is logical for me.

I am Autism.

I am your social mousetrap.

I am the off-beat nonconformist that prohibits you to assimilate with the Neurotypicals.

I am your social map, with a horribly mangled compass and I present you wrong directions at every inhospitable turn.

I am an unsolicited weed in your blossoming field of flowers, and I return at every season to crowd your social garden.

I am Autism.

I am your sensory prison.

I am the tag on the back of your shirt and the bumps on the bottoms of your socks.

I am the background noise to your quiet thoughts and I make your brain bleed with my persistent harassment.

I am the slimy, mushy, soggy, stickiness that remains long after I have been washed from your hands.

I am Autism.

I am your undesirable demeanor.

I am three pounds of anxiety in a two pound bag, spilling over the edges and seeping into every facet of your life.

I am an obsession that won’t go away; I will pester you until you validate me.

I am the itch that you must scratch, a boat that you must rock, and wings that you must flap.

I am Autism.

I am both thief and giver.

I am your affliction and advantage.

I am your poison and your antidote.

I am Autism.

I Predict...A Very Autistic Day

I am no meteorologist, but I can predict the weather.   And I predict that this is going to be a very Autistic day.  Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly true, but I can tell you that changes in the barometric pressure can really affect a person with Autism. 

Sensory issues are one of the tell-tale characteristics of Autism Spectrum Disorders.   It affects the usual sight, taste, sound, smell, and touch senses.   However, it can also affect our proprioception and our vestibular systems.  

When we fly on an airplane or climb a mountain, we often experience ear pain and popping.  This is a normal response to a change in atmospheric pressure.  As the air pressure decreases, the pressure inside of our vestibular system increases, causing a release of pressure in our ears that can result in painful popping.  While the affects of extreme changes in pressure on the body are highly documented by scientists and researchers, I was unable to locate any studies on slight changes in pressure on behaviors in Autism.  I did however find many accounts from fellow Autistics and parents of children with ASD of how changes in pressure affect them both physically and behaviorally. 

Barometric pressure, or atmospheric pressure, is a measurement of how much air is compressed at a given elevation.  The more compressed the air is, the higher the reading.  The average barometric pressure (or air pressure) is about 29.92 inches of mercury.   The reason we are not crushed like a tin can by the pressure around us is that our bodies in fact have air as well, and they are pushing back in an attempt to equalize our pressure with that of our surroundings. 

So how does all of this affect a person with Autism?  Well, scientific reasoning aside, I believe it affects us greatly.   And as with any other aspect of Autism Spectrum Disorders, the way the symptoms manifest vary drastically from person to person.  My personal experience is that when there is a drop in barometric pressure, I become agitated, listless, moody, and exhausted.  It feels like I am caving in.   It’s as though my nerves are unraveling and I must find a way to hold them in place.  When the barometric pressure drops, the probability of my having a nuclear Autistic meltdown increases.  I begin sensory-seeking, searching for ways to re-pressurize my brain.  Internally I might squeeze my eyes closed tightly and take the deepest breath possible, holding it and not letting it escape.   Externally I might squeeze myself in a beanbag, wrap myself up tightly in blankets, or squeeze myself in couch cushions.  I find that deep hugs from friends help me to come to sorts as well.  It’s as though I am a balloon; a really sad balloon that the air has leaked out of slowly over several weeks until I am merely a soggy bag of rubber that can no longer stay afloat.  I get a very odd sensation at the base of my skull and down my spine.  

On the other side of things, when the barometric pressure rises, I feel incredible.   It’s as though I am that balloon and someone has found me and re-inflated me with helium.  I am set adrift again.    I am able to function at a level of incredible efficiency and I feel like I am “with-it”.  I have an abundance of positive energy that radiates from within.   While they are not necessarily negative, there is an increase in my Autistic behaviors.  I squeal more, stim more, and talk too much. 

Usually the barometric pressure is stable or changes very slowly.  Whether it is stable at a low, high, or average reading, when it is consistent so am I.   My experience is that it doesn’t matter if the pressure is high or low, but that the actual changes themselves are the culprits for the effects on the Autistic.  When the pressure drops, I experience some negative reactions.  If the pressure remains low, I eventually adjust to it. The same is true for when the pressure rises.    It just takes me a while to even out.  

The next time you notice an increase in Autistic behaviors, either in yourself or someone you love with ASD, note the atmospheric pressure.   You might just have your very own meteorologist!     

The Only Thing We Have to Fear...

 I was recently asked about my unusual fears and how they relate to my having Autism.  Even though I am somewhat shy, I decided I would put my experiences out there and share my reflections on them with my readers and students.  

        Fear is one of the most essential and primitive emotions experienced by the human brain, generating a chain of chemical reactions in response to an impending sense of danger.   It is one of the most elemental of all feelings and is crucial to the survival of our species.    However, for a large number of Autistic individuals, exceptional fear is encountered more often and in unusual ways. 

        So what is fear?  Fear is a response to a real or perceived threat.   When the reaction to a threat is so substantial that it interferes with the quality of a person’s life or their ability to function, it is considered a phobia.   Fears and phobias are natural and are responses that have originated from our learned experiences.   We are not born afraid of heights or spiders; rather we have learned to be afraid from our past encounters and by tales and information passed from person to person.   In the Autistic individual, information is processed through the senses in manners that vary from that of the Neurotypical person.  These sensory issues, combined with our propensity to fixate on thoughts and ideas, significantly contribute to the difference in our experience of fear. 

        Responses to fear include the simplistic fight, flight, or freeze responses.   Physical symptoms may be comprised of rapid or difficult breathing, increased heart rate, shaking, dizziness, sweating, and stomach troubles.   Emotional manifestations include the sudden feeling that one needs to escape, a feeling of detachment from oneself, feeling powerless or out of control, and nightmares.   In addition, when a person with Autism experiences fear, he or she may experience an escalation in ritualistic behaviors and an exaggeration of stimming in an attempt to seek control.  

        We all experience fear for different reasons, at different intensities, and for different lengths of time.  Although they don’t always fit neatly, I like to arrange my experiences with fear into three categories: ordinary fears, intense/Autism-related fears, and extreme and unusual phobias.  

        As an Autistic person, I certainly experience the common fears that a Neurotypical person might.   What makes my responses to these triggers universal to the experiences of others is that they are affiliated with a real or perceived rational and predominately urgent threat.   These situations are not things that I avoid and cannot always be circumvented.  Once encountered, they evoke the usual symptoms of fear to a mild yet noticeable degree.   The response usually only lasts as long as the sense of threat does and doesn’t continue for long after the threat is removed.  For example, if I am enjoying my lunch and a spider unexpectedly joins me by climbing a bag of chips, I immediately feel slightly anxious.   Many people, including myself, have a healthy respect for spiders, and rightfully so.  After all, we have had past first-hand or otherwise learned experiences of spider bites.   But I do not react in an unusual or extreme manner.  I simply brush the spider away or discard my bag of chips.   I do not necessarily perseverate on the spider or anticipate its return, and I am able to continue enjoying my lunch.  The stimulus is removed, and my fear is fleeting.   

I would call my fear of spiders healthy, ordinary, and unaffected by Autism.  But there are some things I fear that I experience in a more exceptional or unusual manner than a Neurotypical person might.  Certainly a Neurotypical person can have these fears as well, but I believe that these are exaggerated and complicated by my Autistic characteristics.   The impending threat can be real or imagined.   Timing is also a factor here, as the symptoms can appear well before the stimulus and linger for quite some time after.   While many people are apprehensive of unfamiliar places, I cower at the anticipation of visiting somewhere new.   Meeting a person for the first time, especially someone with whom I anticipate I will have an ongoing and significant relationship, I become petrified at the thought.  In fact, I often avoid situations involving unfamiliar people.   If you would like to introduce me to someone that is important to you and I agree, consider yourself someone whom I hold dear in my heart because it takes a lot for me to make these efforts.   Many people don’t enjoy speaking publically, but this is something that terrifies me.   I use the term “public” to include anyone whom I do not have a familiar and intimate relationship.   For me, “public” includes the twenty or so colleagues with whom I work closely daily.   When we are in meetings and I am required to express my opinion or present an idea I often shut down.   I suppose that fear of public speaking correlates directly to my fear of failure and rejection.   This fear is heightened in the Autistic individual because of our tendency to be perfectionist and the sense that we are already viewed as “less” for being different.   Additionally, I am sure that my fear of uncertainly and unpredictability are Autism-related.   Autistic individuals crave structure and consistency.  I dread unexpected changes in my schedule or environment.    Related to sensory issues, I have an unusual and strong aversion to condiments.  It’s not just that I am picky and do not like them.  I seriously fear that I will be forced to eat repulsive foods such as ketchup or mayo.  Gag….shudder.   Also sensory-based is my fear of the dentist.   The idea of going to the dentist causes me to be panic-stricken.   The smells, the sounds, and most-terrorizing, the sensation of scraping on teeth that sends shivers down my spine!  It often takes months for me to work up the courage to go to the dentist, and I will perseverate on the dread of the visit until it is over.  Even once the visit is over, I will often experience a meltdown afterwards as I release the remaining suppressed and hidden anxieties.   Note how this situation is one that causes symptoms that emerge well-before the actual event and linger long after it is over.   The intensity, length of time, causes, and responses to these fears are more unusual in the Autistic than they are of the Neurotypical, yet they are often logical and based on past experiences. 

        In contrast to the previous two categories that involve rational fears is the category of phobias.   These are horrors that are not cemented in any real threat.  I will shamelessly make an attempt to avoid these triggers at all cost.  They are also highly unusual; to this day, I have not met another person, Neurotypical or Autistic, who shares my phobias.  There are two of them and they occupy my mind constantly and sometimes to a debilitating degree.    Both fears involve swimming pools.  Ironically, I love to swim and have been doing so since the young age of two.   In fact, I love to swim so much that I desire to have a backyard pool one day.  

        The first of my phobias: drains.   Mostly applicable to swimming pool drains, this can sometimes include the drains found in the tubs or sinks at home and sometimes in other places such as the floors of industrial kitchens.    I cannot recall any prior negative experience with a drain.    Despite my love for swimming, the horrifying thoughts of the drain haunt me every time I am in or around water.  I must be aware of the locations of the drains and be able to visualize them (at least mentally) at all times.   I don’t imagine any logical consequences that could occur if I were to go near or touch the drain.   There is only an ominous feeling of anxiety and angst that consumes my every fiber when I am swimming.  If I by chance touch the drain or I suddenly realize that I am unexpectedly near a drain in the pool I begin to panic.   While backyard pools typically have one drain that can be located and easily avoided, pools that are built for the masses, such as those in apartment complexes or at water parks, often have multiple drains.  They are not just on the bottom of the pool, either, but are now even built into the sides of the pools under skimmers.   Before I take a relaxing dip on a hot summer day I make sure I locate each and every drain, and even then, if the pool is unfamiliar, I am often wary of where I step.  

        The second phobia: above ground swimming pools.  Yes, I know that I mentioned I wanted to have a backyard swimming pool.   But I should clarify that I want an IN-ground swimming pool.   As with the phobia of drains, there is no associated experience that I can link to this fear.   I consider this to be my most significant and intense phobia of the two.   If I am invited to swim at someone’s home and I learn that they have an above-ground pool, I will decline without hesitation. If I am feeling brave enough and I am with people whom I am most comfortable with, I might go and watch others swimming.   Even then, I will do this from a considerable distance and only after I have familiarized myself with the most efficient exit strategy in the event that panic ensues.    I will NOT under any circumstances voluntarily put myself in an above-ground swimming pool.  EVER.  I have nightmares that I am being thrown into one and I wake up in a cold, sweaty panic with my heart pounding ferociously out of my chest.   

It used to be that these monsters were semi-permanent fixtures that required purchase and installations from professionals.  Due to the fact that they were expensive and required quite a bit of maintenance, there were not too many homes that had these pools.   However, with the explosion of the do-it-yourself, easy to transport type of above-ground pools, there are an abundance of these blue beasts in every neighborhood.   Instead of being sold at specialty locations, the terrors are now sold in boxes at Wal-Mart and Target stores everywhere.   To my horror, they are often disguised in the aisles of fun and inviting brightly colored swimming toys, and sneak up on me when I am most vulnerable.  

        A few weeks ago I was on a walk with some friends.  We had taken a route that I was unfamiliar with, so as noted earlier, I was somewhat apprehensive.  However, I felt comfortable enough with the people I was with that I had let my guard down.   In the midst of a conversation I startlingly realized that on the other side of a fence dwelled an enormous blue monster.   My reflexes kicked in and I panicked.   I halted the conversation and bolted away, stimming and vocalizing.   I was considerably embarrassed by my impulsive response, but the reverberating anxiety far exceeded any abashment.   It was half an hour later before I was able to calm myself down to a level of normalcy. 

        The phobias of the drain and of above-ground pools are my predominant fears, although there are others.  I do want to share one other unusual fear of a student of mine.  He has a phobia of stickers.  Not the grass-burr type stickers that can painfully impale the foot as one walks barefoot through the lawn during the summer time, but the gold-star, great-job, well-done type of sticker the teacher places on top of a student’s paper when he does well.   He has so much displeasure associated with these stickers that refuses to accept papers if they have stickers placed on them.   Because of the sensory issues associated with his Autism, he fears this ordinary and fun item to an extent that it interferes with his life.

        Despite my fears and phobias, I have managed to survive and thrive with my Autism.   One of the most beneficial actions for alleviating some of the discomfort associated with my fears is preparation.   When I am able to acclimate myself to the situation as far in advance as possible, the less fear the circumstance instigates.   The more I learn about the fear-provoking stimulus, the less anxiety I have in connection with it.   In addition to preparation and education, there are a variety of therapies and interventions a person can engage in to improve their quality of life and abilities to function despite their fears and phobias.  Exposure therapy introduces a fear-provoking stimulus to a person.  Ladder therapy also introduces the trigger, but through smaller and more gradual steps.   Doctors can prescribe medications to help a person deal with both long-term and short-term anxiety.    For myself, the most valuable experience has been the support and understanding I receive from my friends and family. 

        In truth, whether or not we are Neurotypical or Autistic, we all experience fears.  Some of these are entrenched profoundly in our past experiences.  Others are absolutely and completely irrational, unusual, or strange.  And although fear is primitive and primarily intended for survival, most fears are completely impractical.   Fear manifests itself uniquely in each individual.  We all respond in our own particular manner.  I hope that by opening myself up and sharing my fears with my readers, others will have a deeper and more profound understanding of my experiences as a member of the Autistic community.  Who knows, maybe you and I have something in common.   Oh, you want to hang out this weekend?  Sure, sounds great!  Oh, wait, swimming?  I’d love to!  Uhm…what kind of pool did you say you have again? 

Excuse Me...Is My Autism Showing?

Someone recently made the observation that I don't often give the impression of being very Autistic.   This is an observation that I and many others on the Autism Spectrum hear regularly.   While it is somewhat “flattering” that folks acknowledge I am prosperous and successful in my endeavors in spite of my many ongoing challenges, it is also disheartening that my differences are unrecognized and misunderstood by so many.  

So how then can a person with Autism Spectrum Disorder appear to be so “normal”?  To begin with, Autism is a Spectrum disorder.  There is an assortment of ways that the attributes of ASD manifest themselves, and they do so differently in each individual.   In addition, these characteristics also vary in intensity from person to person.   When Autism is portrayed in the media, it is usually done so in an extreme and stereotypical manner.   Most people with ASD have characteristics that are more subtle than those that are depicted in the movies or in the news.   When commenting that I don’t seem very Autistic, people often refer to my ability to apply social skills and to engage in relationships.   There is a common misconception that people with ASD prefer to be alone and have little or no desire to have friends or significant others.   While it is true that I do enjoy some time alone, I also love being around people with whom I am familiar and have a mutual trust.   Even when I am not directly engaging with others I revel in their company.   Perhaps the most significant reason I resemble the Neurotypical to the unprofessional eye would be the development of my many coping skills.  Rather than of rocking back and forth to extremes when I am feeling anxious, alternatively I rock back and forth in a more “quiet” manner as to not draw attention to myself.   Those tiny kitten-like meows that slipped out during our meeting at lunch today were actually suppressed roars of raw emotion and sensory overload escaping from within.   As with most Autistics, eye contact is arduous and painful for me.   Nonetheless, I may fool you by looking past you, looking at your glasses, or watching your lips move as you talk.   In addition to coping, it takes an extraordinarily long time for me to be comfortable enough with someone before I can show my genuine character.   I have a propensity to accrue my strongest emotions and release them with those I trust most.   The behaviors I release include both my jubilant, playful flapping and squealing and my exceedingly awful meltdowns.  While I don’t like anyone seeing me in these states, my level of emotional expression is proportionate to the level of understanding and trust I have with the person.    

What does it matter if I appear Autistic, anyway?   In truth, it matters significantly.  There are certain expectations society has for the way we behave, and if someone isn’t aware that I interpret the world around me distinctively differently, that person will be quick to judge and make assumptions about my personality and character.   My “rudeness” or “attitude” about something was nothing more than a response without any negative or underlying motives.   Instead of understanding that I obsess over things and fixate on ideas a person may just assume that I am fanatically egocentric.  When I become upset over the fact that my hamburger has mustard on it, someone who doesn’t know about my Autism might think I am just picky.   When I hog our conversation with the topic of my interest and you become bored, you might perceive me as annoying.   As someone with Autism, I need those around me to be aware that I might shy away from social situations, I might cry or laugh at inappropriate times, and I might even take things personally when I misinterpret your intentions.   I have a silly voice I speak in at times when I am feeling different emotions.  I usually only employ this voice when I am around people I trust.  If you’ve heard it, you are one of the lucky ones.  Sarcasm is lost on me, and if I suspect so I might even ask you to clarify whether or not you were being sarcastic.   I tend to take things literally.  In fact, I sometimes take things so literally that once on a road trip with my family my father told my brother and me to “sit on our hands.”   When we arrived at our destination 6 hours later, my dad told me to get out of the car.   My response?  “I can’t.  I am sitting on my hands.”  This was one of those situation in which it would have been beneficial to have known how Autism affects my thought process.  When we have a conversation, I might understand the words that you have said, and I probably will understand their meaning, but often times I do not understand their intent. 

I have also observed the implications of “not seeming Autistic” in my students.  Teachers who view Autistic students as Neurotypical often misinterpret their behaviors as intentional disruptions or oppositional.   When teachers see that students are somewhat capable of “getting by” socially, they are less willing to make accommodations and to provide necessary supports.   They often have the attitude of “If the student can do X, they should be able to do Y.”   This can be very discouraging, demoralizing, and frustrating for the student with Autism.   Students begin to lose confidence in their abilities and begin to feel as though they are being picked on by the very people who should be on their side. 

Although I do not define myself by my Autism, and although there is a certain appeal to the perception that I am doing well in spite of my many adversities, the message I would like to share with folks is that it’s important we celebrate neurodiversity and appreciate the individual differences of all.  When someone tells you about the challenges they face, don’t write them off and assume that because they appear to be coping well they are.  Always seek to find a deeper understanding of a person’s unique characteristics.    Stick around a while and you will see them J