The
Struggles with Autism in Forging Meaningful Friendships
Having Autism poses
many barriers to developing and cultivating genuine, meaningful
friendships. Most of the barriers discussed
here are not as significant once a friendship has been firmly established. However, they can potentially prohibit the
beginning stages of friendship from developing and can cause relationships to
end well before they have had the opportunity to take root.
First
Encounters
While the potential
to forge new friendships lies within every interaction we have with others, the
person with Autism often is limited in the number of opportunities they have to
meet new people. There are many reasons
for this, but to begin with, a person with Autism might struggle with how to
become involved with others in the first place.
How to how to join a club, join in a game being played, or join in on a
conversation may elude someone with ASD. If one is limited in the number of encounters
they have, the odds of finding a friend with whom one is compatible with is
drastically reduced.
Fear of meeting new
people can also keep the person with Autism from having the opportunity to
develop deeper friendships. For many of
us, previously failed attempts at making friends haunt us. We avoid putting ourselves in situations that
bring painful memories to the surface; therefore we also miss out on the sweet
rewards such situations can produce.
A communication
barrier to forming these relationships is the difficulty with making small
talk. Most Neurotypical people are able
to engage in these chit-chat conversations effortlessly, which could potentially
lead to further interactions based on newly discovered common ground. However, many in the Autistic community
cannot seem to grasp the concept of small talk and struggle to engage in
it.
Another obstacle is
the inability to choose appropriate topics for conversation. A person with Autism might make comments that
are inappropriate or irrelevant to a given situation. Often times this can lead the potential
friend to view their Autistic counterpart as odd or weird and deter them from
making any further attempts to get to know them.
Not being able to
read body language or facial expressions can also be a hindrance when it comes
to forging new friendships. Body
language tells us a lot about a person.
Making eye contact can assure a person that one is interested in what
they have to say. Standing upright with
arms relaxed is a sign that one is paying attention, while crossing ones arms
makes a person appear unapproachable and standoffish. Being able to understand that a person who
is tapping their foot and looking at their watch is becoming impatient is an
important skill to have. Understanding
an appropriate distance to stand from another person is a concept that
Autistics struggle with often. If I
stand too far away, it appears as though I am not interested in what you have
to say or that I am offended by you in some way. And if I stand too close, I appear intrusive
and off-putting. For many with Autism,
reading body language is a FOREIGN language, and these signs are misinterpreted
or missed all together.
Take for example two people in an office
building as they approach an elevator.
As they wait, the Neurotypical person asks the Autistic person where
they got their shirt. The Autistic
person responds by saying it was a gift from his grandmother. Instead of making a statement that returns
the conversational ball back to the court of the Neurotypical person, the
Autistic person continues with a story about his grandmother and how she isn’t
doing very well, and maybe even goes into some unsavory details about the
condition of her health and her recent medical procedures. The Autistic person carries on, unaware his
conversational partner lost interest about six floors back, and the
Neurotypical coworker presses the button of the closest approaching floor so he
can take the stairs the next seven flights just to avoid hearing any more about
it, ending what was once an opportunity for two people to potentially engage in
conversation about their shared taste in clothing.
There were several
Autistic “faux pas” in this example. The
inability to engage in small talk led to the person with Autism dominating the
conversation. Another was his inability
to recognize when his conversation partner was no longer interested in the
topic. And finally, the topic of his
grandmother’s medical condition was not appropriate for the given situation.
Further
Impressions
If we survive the
first encounters and a person decides they want to get to know us better, there
are additional challenges that both parties must endure.
Those of us on the
Spectrum can be rigid in our thinking.
Because of this, we might appear to be close-minded, judgmental, or even
“know-it-alls.” We might not seem very forgiving of others’
mistakes when we feel as though we are right.
Our limited interests might prevent us from being flexible in
participating in activities our potential friends might enjoy. This
lack of flexibility can be detrimental in a relationship, causing a person to
bail out before the friendship boat sinks.
Our unusual and
stereotypical behaviors can be bothersome and embarrassing for those around us. People might view our behaviors as immature
and childish and can be considered to be off-putting to potential pals. When we are at the movies and our
excitement cannot be contained, flapping and squealing can draw unwanted
attention. Echoing sing-song voices in
the mall while shopping for shoes can really put a damper on things. This might cause others to think twice about
hanging out with the “weird kid” and the relationship might be over before it
even really got started.
And then there is
what I like to call the “overs”; over-trying, over-thinking, and over-sharing
are all possible turn-offs to could-be friends. The more we over-try to fit in by changing
the things we like or the way we dress, the more isolated we will become. By trying to be someone we are not, we put
ourselves out there and draw more negative attention to ourselves. By over-thinking things, we often hurt our
own feelings. We think too much about
what others think of us; why hasn’t my friend texted me back? Do they not like me anymore? I must have done something to upset them. This in turn can bring about more
over-trying. And we over-think through situations that
haven’t even taken place. The more ways
the actual situation doesn’t match up with what we have concocted in our heads,
the more disastrous the outcome is. When we are in the beginning stages of getting
to know someone, we often over-share information about ourselves. I might ask the potential friend to
over-share as well by asking questions that are too personal or intimate for
our level of relationship. This can be overwhelming to others, causing
them to head for the hills before our friendship even had a chance.
The Social Wrecking Ball
As with any
relationship, if we survive the beginning stages and establish that
significant, substantial, meaningful friendship, there are still potential
pitfalls that can be detrimental to the life of the relationship.
One of the struggles I have found within my
own relationships is that my friends sometimes forget I have Autism. That’s not always a bad thing; I of course
do not want to be known solely for my Autism.
The point in which this becomes negative is situational. It is particularly relevant when a I have
committed a social blunder that is Autism-related and my Neurotypical
counterpart fails to attribute it to my having Autism. If I say something inappropriate and my
friend is offended, it could potentially be the demise of our
relationships. However, if the friend
is true enough and recognizes that my mistake was a result of my Autistic characteristics,
he or she will kindly explain to me why his or her feelings were hurt by my
words or actions, and we will both learn from the experience. These are the friendships that will stand
the test of time.
Another potential
wrecking ball is our perceived lack of empathy. Empathy is the ability to share experiences
and feelings with another person.
Because Autistics have difficulty imagining things or putting themselves
in other people’s shoes, empathy is a tough concept. However, we do FEEL for our friends when
they are struggling. The real problem
is the EXPRESSION of our empathy. I do
not struggle with feeling. In fact, I
feel TOO much. It is challenging,
however, for me to articulate to you what I am feeling. Identifying my emotions and showing you how
I feel as you struggle is hard for me.
Many times I want to be there for my friends but find myself withdrawing
instead, afraid that what I am feeling is out of place or unusual. Instead of sharing, many of us on the Spectrum
hide our feelings. Friends who are
going through tough times might perceive this as our being hard, uncaring, or
indifferent to their situation. Support
is the cornerstone of any relationship, so this could potentially cause a
friendship to crumble.
Making it Successful
So what then can we
do to ensure that our meaningful friendships thrive?
We must first eliminate any preconceived
notions in regards to friendships. As I
was growing up, I had pictures in my head of what friendships were. As I look back, I realize how unrealistic
these imagined scenarios were. My many failed attempts to force a square peg
into a round hole finally taught me that it is better to find a square hole in
which I would comfortably fit (rather than forcing myself to be something I
wasn’t: a round peg). In order to forge
sincere relationships with others, we can have no preconceived perceptions of
what it will look like and start with a clean slate.
It is also imperative
that we be forward and put ourselves out there. If we avoid opportunities to meet new
people, we are also potentially missing out on meaningful friendships. Despite our anxieties regarding social
situations and meeting new people, participating in these situations can be
very rewarding. In addition, having a
friend who can support you in these endeavors can be very beneficial. Remember, we are not limited to having one
meaningful friendship, and there is nothing wrong with established friends
helping you forge new relationships.
We must be flexible with
others, unselfishly giving more than we take from each relationship. Often you will find that it is even more
rewarding to give than it is to receive.
Going out of your way to make a friends day can be rewarding for both
you and your bud. And we have to remember that relationships are
not always 50-50. Sometimes you must
give more, and sometimes you will find that you will need more from your
friend. We must invest considerable
time and energy into the relationship.
At times, it may seem as though we have to do this with more effort than
our Neurotypical counterparts. While
this might not seem fair, the rewards far outweigh the expenses.
One bonus piece of
advice: you are not always right, even
when you are. Nobody likes a
know-it-all. Keeping an open mind and
possessing a willingness to learn from others is an important component of a
healthy relationship.
Meaningful
relationships are not very scientific.
They are abstract and blurry, and there is no mathematical formula to
apply. While we struggle in many areas,
those of us on the Spectrum tend to be loyal and trustworthy friends. We
will often go to great lengths to make sure we meet the needs of those we care
about. We are reliable and
honest. Before all else, we must be ourselves
and stay true to our unique and individual character. With time and patience, we will find peg that
fits us.
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