"You don't SEEM Autistic."
This is an assertion recurrently expressed to me. Primarily from those who only know me on the surface. Maybe we just met. Maybe we only see one another in passing or infrequently. To these many people, I appear to be Neurotypical. In all sincerity, I am not.
My suspicion is that my "surface" verbal skills are so highly developed that it creates the perception I am able to communicate on a level that is comparable to my peers.
On the contrary, finding the words to communicate my thoughts is a Herculean task. While considered to be highly verbal among Autistics, frequently I struggle to string together the words and phrases to convey the true meaning and essence of my messages. While what I say might be compatible with a situation, the message I deliver may not be that in which I intended to emphasize.
Generally I will have a conversation with someone, leaving the interchange completely unfulfilled and without the understanding of whether or not the other person truly perceived the significance of what I endeavored to say. On occasion, I "overstate" things, confounding the situation, because I am uncertain if I am transmitting my ideas in a manner that the other person comprehends. I have far more of those "I should have said this or that" moments upon reflection of a verbal exchange than the Neurotypical.
I am currently in a position in which I am trying to mediate between several people. This is turning out to be one of those situations in which I am really being tested by my Autism. I have an objective that I am trying to convey, and it is extremely clear in my mind. I find myself grappling with the ability to communicate that purpose to those involved. However, I know that with time it will come to me. It always does. My Autism may impede upon the journey, but it hasn't yet stopped me from reaching my destination.
All in all, my ability to not "seem Autistic" may have it's advantages. I am not subject to some of the unfortunate and uncalled for ridicule that many Autistics are put through. I am able to adapt to a world that was built for the Neurotypical. I have been able to learn and apply (on various levels) the social skills I was once deficient in, and I am now able to share my wisdom and teach those skills to others who experience the same difficulties. On the other hand, when I do have issues that are clearly related to Autism, they are often misconstrued by the Neurotypical as character flaws and personality traits. Either way, I am proud of the experiences I have overcome, and I am proud to be me.
I am an Autistic Ninja. Highly trained. Stealthy. Assassinating misconceptions of Autism.
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