Painfully Awkward

Novel situations.  Unfamiliar people.  Foreign places.  Crowds.  Over-stimulating environments.  They all hurl fear deep into the hearts of the Autistic.

As you may be aware, my adventurous students and I have challenged one another to genuinely express our personal wisdoms of life on the Spectrum.  They will write a brief blurb, and I will disclose my experiences within the subject they have chosen.   Today's blurb comes from an insightful student who has shown tremendous growth over the past few years. However, as you can discern from the words below, he/she still valiantly battles to assimilate within the world of the Neurotypical:

"So I have ASD.  The way ASD affects me the most is when I am with other people.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it.  I tense up and smile to hide my discomfort when I am with others, especially in public places.   What I look like on the outside doesn't always match how I feel on the inside."- Social Skills Student

Autistics rightfully have plenty to stress over during those agonizing, awkward social  interactions.  Will I say the right thing?  Will choose an appropriate topic?   Am I performing  in a manner that is socially appropriate for these circumstances? Was that sarcasm?   What can I expect to happen next?   What are the unwritten rules? The responses are second nature to the Neurotypical.  But those of us on the Spectrum spend an abundance of emotional and mental energy perseverating on these things during our arduous encounters with others.

When I find myself in a room full of people (usually unfamiliar people), I typically experience one of two scenarios involving various levels of social detachment. One being that I am unable to be seen and everyone around me is steadily passing me by.  The other in which everyone else is transparent and I blindly see right through them.   However, I do occasionally find myself delightfully amidst these two positions.  I am neither visible nor invisible, and I am joyously relating to those around me. I get it.  I am there.   While rare, I consider these blissful moments to be great conquests in my daily battles with Autism.

Throughout my lifetime I have found that the greatest way to get to this magnificent place is to be myself.  When I allow myself to step inside of my own unique character, instead of taking a step towards the outside and comparing myself to those around me, I find that I have more and more experiences in which I am momentarily a part of the Neurotypical world.  Although I don’t belong there perpetually, it’s an amiable place to visit once in a blue moon.

(PS Spectrum Buddies:  The phrase “once in a blue moon” means “once in a while”, because the phenomenon of a “blue moon” is a rare occurrence.   It does not literally mean that there will be a moon the color blue in the sky)