Friendship/Relationship

We are intended to live in relationship with one another.  But forming successful and rewarding relationships is no easy feat.   Having Autism casts another layer of complexity to the tumultuous trials of friendship.   We on the Spectrum thirst for relationship as much as the next guy.  Yet we are begrudged these friendships by our own social pitfalls.   Our incapacity to relate to others, our inability to infer and observe “unwritten” social rules, and our uncanny knack for committing social communication blunders, all contribute to the struggles we endure in developing and maintaining supportive and favorable human relationships. 

Unwritten rules are everywhere we go.  They govern our interactions in places such as schools, restaurants, and shopping malls.  They are evident in grocery stores, parks, and parking lots.   And they are especially apparent in our daily interactions with others. 

Should I shake hands with this person or high five them?  I see many people hug as they say goodbye, is this the right time and is the right person to hug goodbye?   Is it appropriate to use swear words with this person?  

Nowhere are the answers to these inquiries inscribed in stone.  Yet they are protocols in which our society deems appropriate to abide by.  Most people just “get it.”  They know to hug a personal friend goodbye and to shake the hand of a person they just met.  Those with Autism may not fully embrace this notion.  We might hug someone we just met after a job interview, which could be really awkward and off-putting.   These indiscretions can dampen opportunities for continued relationships.  When just getting acquainted with someone, we may inadvertently provide too much information about ourselves.   We may contact them too often, seeming obsessive or creepy.  In other instances we may not initiate enough contacting, leaving the impression that we are disinterested in pursuing the friendship.   There is a lot of fine print in the book of unwritten social rules, and those with Autism seem to be mind-blind to much of it. 

Many relationships are established and strengthened on the abilities to relate and connect with one another.  Being on the spectrum, I have a hard enough time trying to realize and comprehend my OWN feelings.   Yet I am expected to identify and relate to the feelings of other human beings.  And even when I am able to unearth my emotions, I may not be able to appropriately and meaningfully EXPRESS them,   I am somewhat inept at seeing things from the point of view of my relationship partner. I am improving on applying empathy, or understanding the feelings of others.   But this is only true for situations in which I have experienced a very similar circumstance.  If it requires me to “put myself in another’s shoes”, forget it.  I am bettering my competencies within this skill set, but it has taken many trials and errors, and even more experience in this area will be essential as I continue to grow. 

Communication is crucial in friendships.  Spoken words, body language, facial expressions, and additional non-verbal cues are reverberated throughout partnerships.  The inadequacy to perform such social communication skills at the same levels as our relational peers tends to encumber our friendships.  Our aversion to eye contact may yield the inaccurate impressions that we are uninterested or detached.  We have a tendency to dominate conversations with one-sided affairs that our partner is indifferent to or has no knowledge of.   We are often oblivious as we execute this breach in social etiquette.  We don’t notice that the person has become bored or disengaged, and we seem narcissistic and selfish.  We fail to observe that a person’s body language is suggesting they have exciting news or that they have just experienced something terrible.   We engage in quibbles with peers, not for the sake of argument or being right, but for the fact that we perceive our logic as the ONLY logic.   Instead we are seen as argumentative and opinionated know-it-alls.  Because of these improprieties, our relationships begin to unravel, as we are once again perceived as aloof, uncaring, and unconcerned with the relationship. 

Often we are beheld as annoying, immature, or obnoxious because of our Autistic behaviors.  Our obsessions and compulsions to do strange things are off-putting.   Our meltdowns are disheartening and intolerable, and as a result, we will be avoided.   We have many awkward interactions and say inappropriate things at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places.  

Relationships often leave us drowning, yearning for a sense of belonging.  Failed attempts leave behind feelings of guilt.  We SHOULD be able to relate.  We feel defective.   We feel isolated and rejected from the social world of the Neurotypical.

When we form meaningful and lasting relationships, we are admirable and wonderful friends.  Those on the Spectrum are loyal.  We are honest and trustworthy, qualities that anyone would care for in relationship.  We are kind, caring, and friendly.  Our passion leads us to deeper relationship.  And perhaps most importantly, we are patient and forgiving. 

When we seek partners in relationship, we require support, patience, and guidance.  This is a commendable and often unrecognized role, yet it is one of the most important and appreciated roles one can play in relationship with the Autistic.   We need friends who are honest and loyal.  We desire those who will kindly point out our social mishaps and safely assist us mending them.   We need friends who seek to understand us.  Friends who have our backs.  Partners.  Sidekicks. 

Autistics:

We should pursue friendships through clubs, organizations, schools, social networking, and support groups.  The internet has made the social scene more accessible than ever to those on the Spectrum, allowing us to think through our thoughts prior to expressing them, curtailing the probability of committing social faults in the beginning stages of relationship.   But no matter how we pursue friendships, we should always do so honestly and with full disclosure of our character and values.  We should not over-try, not try to emulate others, but we should whole-heartedly be ourselves.  Our uniqueness is what makes us amazing and fascinating.   Remember, friendship is a journey.  We should enjoy the ride.