Meaningful Friendships Part 1: What is a MEANINGFUL friendship?

This is the first entry in a short series on Autism and Friendship.  I realize I have discussed the subject of friendship in a previous post, but at the risk of sounding redundant, I feel that the issue is critical enough to elaborate upon.   There are many fallacies regarding folks on the Spectrum and their absence of desire to have significant and meaningful relationships.  While this is accurate for some people with ASD, it is also just as accurate for the Neurotypical.   For most people, close relationships with others are strongly desired and essential for fulfillment. 

What do I mean by MEANINGFUL friendships? 

When parents of an Autistic child ask their kiddo about their friends at school, the child might respond with "I have a lot of friends at school. There are 30 kids in my class. That means I have at least 30 friends."  While it is fine to refer to classmates, acquaintances, and work partners as friends, true friendship exceeds sitting next to someone on the school bus or telling someone good morning as you pass by one another on your way to obtain your morning pick-me-up in the break room.   

Friends share a mutual interest and concern for one another.   Both individuals in the relationship genuinely care about one another’s needs and well being.  

The level of intimacy and affection in meaningful friendships involves the sharing of private and personal information a person wouldn't generally indulge with a neighbor or classmate.  For example, sharing your personal goal to start a family or articulating your immense, life-long fears are not affairs you would discuss with someone you just met at the bus stop.   However, these are things that you could confidently discuss with an authentic friend.   

Two people must have at least some common ground when it comes to the core principles they value and believe.   For example, regarding honesty, both parties should presumably have the same ideologies.  If telling the truth matters to one friend but not the other, there will most likely be a breach in their trust of one another eventually.   But if the two both agree that honesty is the best policy and they share things in truth with each other, their relationship has been established upon shared values. 

What are MEANINGFUL relationships NOT?

Equitably admissible to the consideration of what constitutes meaningful relationships is the discussion of what they are NOT.  

First of all, meaningful friendships are NOT commodities that can be bought or sold.  Your friendship should never be for sale.   You should never have to buy things, alter your core character, or otherwise make sacrifices in your values or beliefs in order to “purchase” a relationship.   It is true that friendships do require quite a bit of give and take.  At some point in your friendship with another person you might have to give more than you take, and vice versa; relationships aren’t always 50-50.   Nonetheless, you should never feel as though the only reason a relationship is held together is solely due to your making sacrifices in which the other person doesn’t share a mutual appreciation for. 

Friendships are not a chore or obligation.  It is true they do require effort from both parties, but you should never feel obligated to spend time with someone or do things for them in order for your friendship to prevail.  True friendship develops naturally and over time.   If you are forcing a relationship by making changes to your personality or character, the friendship will not stand.    There should be mutual attempts from both parties to spend time with one another, make each other happy, and to support one another in their endeavors, but this should never be at the expense of one’s values or beliefs. 

The Big Picture

            Most of us desire to have true and meaningful friendships in our lives.   These relationships are deeper than those we simply sit next to in school or work alongside with at a job.   Meaningful friends are those with whom we share a mutual and genuine concern for, have common core values and beliefs with, and can trust on an intimate level.    We rely on them to satisfy our human need for connection with one another.   These are the relationships that outright capture our hearts.