I was recently asked about
my unusual fears and how they relate to my having Autism. Even though I am somewhat shy, I decided I
would put my experiences out there and share my reflections on them with my
readers and students.
Fear is one of the most essential and primitive emotions
experienced by the human brain, generating a chain of chemical reactions in
response to an impending sense of danger.
It is one of the most elemental of all feelings and is crucial to the
survival of our species. However, for
a large number of Autistic individuals, exceptional fear is encountered more
often and in unusual ways.
So what is fear? Fear
is a response to a real or perceived threat.
When the reaction to a threat is so substantial that it interferes with
the quality of a person’s life or their ability to function, it is considered a
phobia. Fears and phobias are natural
and are responses that have originated from our learned experiences. We are not born afraid of heights or
spiders; rather we have learned to be afraid from our past encounters and by
tales and information passed from person to person. In the Autistic individual, information is
processed through the senses in manners that vary from that of the Neurotypical
person. These sensory issues, combined
with our propensity to fixate on thoughts and ideas, significantly contribute
to the difference in our experience of fear.
Responses to fear include the simplistic fight, flight, or
freeze responses. Physical symptoms may
be comprised of rapid or difficult breathing, increased heart rate, shaking,
dizziness, sweating, and stomach troubles.
Emotional manifestations include the sudden feeling that one needs to
escape, a feeling of detachment from oneself, feeling powerless or out of
control, and nightmares. In addition,
when a person with Autism experiences fear, he or she may experience an
escalation in ritualistic behaviors and an exaggeration of stimming in an
attempt to seek control.
We all experience fear for different reasons, at different
intensities, and for different lengths of time.
Although they don’t always fit neatly, I like to arrange my experiences
with fear into three categories: ordinary fears, intense/Autism-related fears,
and extreme and unusual phobias.
As an Autistic person, I certainly experience the common
fears that a Neurotypical person might.
What makes my responses to these triggers universal to the experiences of others is that
they are affiliated with a real or perceived rational and predominately urgent
threat. These situations are not things
that I avoid and cannot always be circumvented.
Once encountered, they evoke the usual symptoms of fear to a mild yet
noticeable degree. The response usually
only lasts as long as the sense of threat does and doesn’t continue for long
after the threat is removed. For
example, if I am enjoying my lunch and a spider unexpectedly joins me by climbing a bag of chips, I immediately feel slightly anxious. Many people, including myself, have a
healthy respect for spiders, and rightfully so.
After all, we have had past first-hand or otherwise learned experiences
of spider bites. But I do not react in
an unusual or extreme manner. I simply
brush the spider away or discard my bag of chips. I do not necessarily perseverate on the
spider or anticipate its return, and I am able to continue enjoying my
lunch. The stimulus is removed, and my
fear is fleeting.
I
would call my fear of spiders healthy, ordinary, and unaffected by Autism. But there are some things I fear that I
experience in a more exceptional or unusual manner than a Neurotypical person
might. Certainly a Neurotypical person
can have these fears as well, but I believe that these are exaggerated and
complicated by my Autistic characteristics.
The impending threat can be real or imagined. Timing
is also a factor here, as the symptoms can appear well before the stimulus and
linger for quite some time after. While
many people are apprehensive of unfamiliar places, I cower at the anticipation
of visiting somewhere new. Meeting a
person for the first time, especially someone with whom I anticipate I will
have an ongoing and significant relationship, I become petrified at the
thought. In fact, I often avoid
situations involving unfamiliar people.
If you would like to introduce me to someone that is important to you
and I agree, consider yourself someone whom I hold dear in my heart because it
takes a lot for me to make these efforts.
Many people don’t enjoy speaking publically, but this is something that
terrifies me. I use the term “public”
to include anyone whom I do not have a familiar and intimate relationship. For me, “public” includes the twenty or so
colleagues with whom I work closely daily.
When we are in meetings and I am required to express my opinion or
present an idea I often shut down. I
suppose that fear of public speaking correlates directly to my fear of failure
and rejection. This fear is heightened
in the Autistic individual because of our tendency to be perfectionist and the sense
that we are already viewed as “less” for being different. Additionally, I am sure that my fear of
uncertainly and unpredictability are Autism-related. Autistic individuals crave structure and
consistency. I dread unexpected changes
in my schedule or environment. Related
to sensory issues, I have an unusual and strong aversion to condiments. It’s not just that I am picky and do not like
them. I seriously fear that I will be
forced to eat repulsive foods such as ketchup or mayo. Gag….shudder. Also sensory-based is my fear of the
dentist. The idea of going to the
dentist causes me to be panic-stricken.
The smells, the sounds, and most-terrorizing, the sensation of scraping
on teeth that sends shivers down my spine!
It often takes months for me to work up the courage to go to the
dentist, and I will perseverate on the dread of the visit until it is
over. Even once the visit is over, I
will often experience a meltdown afterwards as I release the remaining
suppressed and hidden anxieties. Note
how this situation is one that causes symptoms that emerge well-before the
actual event and linger long after it is over.
The intensity, length of time, causes, and responses to these fears are
more unusual in the Autistic than they are of the Neurotypical, yet they are
often logical and based on past experiences.
In contrast to the previous two categories that involve
rational fears is the category of phobias.
These are horrors that are not cemented in any real threat. I will shamelessly make an attempt to avoid
these triggers at all cost. They are
also highly unusual; to this day, I have not met another person, Neurotypical
or Autistic, who shares my phobias. There
are two of them and they occupy my mind constantly and sometimes to a debilitating
degree. Both fears involve swimming
pools. Ironically, I love to swim and
have been doing so since the young age of two.
In fact, I love to swim so much that I desire to have a backyard pool
one day.
The first of my phobias: drains. Mostly applicable to swimming pool drains,
this can sometimes include the drains found in the tubs or sinks at home and
sometimes in other places such as the floors of industrial kitchens. I cannot recall any prior negative
experience with a drain. Despite my
love for swimming, the horrifying thoughts of the drain haunt me every time I
am in or around water. I must be aware
of the locations of the drains and be able to visualize them (at least
mentally) at all times. I don’t imagine
any logical consequences that could occur if I were to go near or touch the
drain. There is only an ominous feeling
of anxiety and angst that consumes my every fiber when I am swimming. If I by chance touch the drain or I suddenly
realize that I am unexpectedly near a drain in the pool I begin to panic. While backyard pools typically have one
drain that can be located and easily avoided, pools that are built for the
masses, such as those in apartment complexes or at water parks, often have
multiple drains. They are not just on
the bottom of the pool, either, but are now even built into the sides of the
pools under skimmers. Before I take a
relaxing dip on a hot summer day I make sure I locate each and every drain, and
even then, if the pool is unfamiliar, I am often wary of where I step.
The second phobia: above ground swimming pools. Yes, I know that I mentioned I wanted to have
a backyard swimming pool. But I should
clarify that I want an IN-ground swimming pool. As with the phobia of drains, there is no associated
experience that I can link to this fear.
I consider this to be my most significant and intense phobia of the
two. If I am invited to swim at
someone’s home and I learn that they have an above-ground pool, I will decline
without hesitation. If I am feeling brave enough and I am with people whom I am
most comfortable with, I might go and watch others swimming. Even then, I will do this from a
considerable distance and only after I have familiarized myself with the most
efficient exit strategy in the event that panic ensues. I will NOT under any circumstances
voluntarily put myself in an above-ground swimming pool. EVER.
I have nightmares that I am being thrown into one and I wake up in a
cold, sweaty panic with my heart pounding ferociously out of my chest.
It
used to be that these monsters were semi-permanent fixtures that required
purchase and installations from professionals.
Due to the fact that they were expensive and required quite a bit of
maintenance, there were not too many homes that had these pools. However, with the explosion of the
do-it-yourself, easy to transport type of above-ground pools, there are an
abundance of these blue beasts in every neighborhood. Instead of being sold at specialty
locations, the terrors are now sold in boxes at Wal-Mart and Target stores
everywhere. To my horror, they are
often disguised in the aisles of fun and inviting brightly colored swimming
toys, and sneak up on me when I am most vulnerable.
A few weeks ago I was on a walk with some friends. We had taken a route that I was unfamiliar
with, so as noted earlier, I was somewhat apprehensive. However, I felt comfortable enough with the
people I was with that I had let my guard down. In the midst of a conversation I startlingly
realized that on the other side of a fence dwelled an enormous blue
monster. My reflexes kicked in and I
panicked. I halted the conversation and
bolted away, stimming and vocalizing. I
was considerably embarrassed by my impulsive response, but the reverberating
anxiety far exceeded any abashment. It
was half an hour later before I was able to calm myself down to a level of
normalcy.
The phobias of the drain and of above-ground pools are my
predominant fears, although there are others.
I do want to share one other unusual fear of a student of mine. He has a phobia of stickers. Not the grass-burr type stickers that can
painfully impale the foot as one walks barefoot through the lawn during the
summer time, but the gold-star, great-job, well-done type of sticker the
teacher places on top of a student’s paper when he does well. He has so much displeasure associated with
these stickers that refuses to accept papers if they have stickers placed on
them. Because of the sensory issues
associated with his Autism, he fears this ordinary and fun item to an extent
that it interferes with his life.
Despite my fears and phobias, I have managed to survive and
thrive with my Autism. One of the most
beneficial actions for alleviating some of the discomfort associated with my
fears is preparation. When I am able to
acclimate myself to the situation as far in advance as possible, the less fear
the circumstance instigates. The more I
learn about the fear-provoking stimulus, the less anxiety I have in connection
with it. In addition to preparation and
education, there are a variety of therapies and interventions a person can
engage in to improve their quality of life and abilities to function despite
their fears and phobias. Exposure
therapy introduces a fear-provoking stimulus to a person. Ladder therapy also introduces the trigger,
but through smaller and more gradual steps.
Doctors can prescribe medications to help a person deal with both
long-term and short-term anxiety. For
myself, the most valuable experience has been the support and understanding I
receive from my friends and family.
In truth, whether or not we are Neurotypical or Autistic, we
all experience fears. Some of these are
entrenched profoundly in our past experiences.
Others are absolutely and completely irrational, unusual, or
strange. And although fear is primitive
and primarily intended for survival, most fears are completely
impractical. Fear manifests itself
uniquely in each individual. We all
respond in our own particular manner. I
hope that by opening myself up and sharing my fears with my readers, others
will have a deeper and more profound understanding of my experiences as a
member of the Autistic community. Who
knows, maybe you and I have something in common. Oh, you want to hang out this weekend? Sure, sounds great! Oh, wait, swimming? I’d love to!
Uhm…what kind of pool did you say you have again?
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